?

Log in

Previous 10

Jul. 2nd, 2013

Magical Castle

Ask and ye shall receive

So, in my last post I said that hopefully next time I would have something exciting to write about... well, here's excitement for ya, I'm moving out to Kansas City in two weeks. It's a whirlwind and it's crazy and I'm going nuts. I'm torn between excited and crying. We're trying to figure out where we're going to live, what I'm going to do for work, where Tatum will go to school.... it's going to be a ridiculous two weeks. But, I'm outta here! Jason starts with Harley on the 22nd of this month :)

Jun. 13th, 2013

Magical Castle

I'm still here

Still alive, still kicking... still in Tucson. The job we were almost positive Jason would get (after flying out to Kansas City, flying out to the corporate office in Cincinnati, tons of interviews) fell through. *sigh* Once that one didn't work out and he'd used a ton of PTO going out of town, we decided to keep looking here in town, at least for the time being. Our thought was if something in KC came up we would take it, but until then we'd do what we could do in Tucson and enjoy what we had. We started working on the backyard, and put in a really awesome patio and gas fire pit with nice patio furniture. Jason started looking for more jobs here in town, but stuck with Raytheon. That is, he stuck with Raytheon until they laid him off :( Damned defense cuts, damned government budgets, damned reduction in force. 2 weeks ago, he got a call from Harley Davidson in KC asking to do a phone interview, which he jumped on. HD is his dream company to work for. I guess they liked what they heard, because they flew him out on Tuesday to meet for a face to face and do a plant tour. He came home last night, and now we just wait. Again.

The waiting is killing me. The not knowing what's coming sucks. The fact that we are living off of his 401k and my measly paycheck is driving me up the wall. I'm trying not to let it get to me, but there are days like this when I want to go home and lay in bed and cry. I just want it to be done, one way or another, but the not knowing and the fear of what may or may not happen is giving me crazy anxiety. I just want more for us. I want to be able to do more to provide for us, I want us to be stable. We're happy, thank goodness, so there's that love that keeps us going, but we're stuck. I just hope this is the branch we need to pull us out of the hole.

I hate whiny LJ posts. Hopefully soon I'll have one that's exciting.

Feb. 17th, 2013

Magical Castle

"How are you feeling, Amber?"

Fuck you, facebook. I don't want to tell you how I'm feeling. I don't want to leave a cryptic, half assed, whiny, emotional, feeling sorry for myself status that people are going to look at and say "What's wrong?", or "Do you want to talk about it". I do want to talk about it, but not on facebook. I want real friends to really care and really ask "How are you?".

So I turn to you, my trusty, under-utilized, left in the cold livejournal. You, that is always there with a big open box just waiting to be filled with text. No character limits, no asking how I'm doing or how I'm feeling or what's going on... but always there to let everything spill out. I might not have a billion friends here, there's a chance very few people will even read this, and I'm ok with that because sometimes you just have to write everything down to wrap your own head around it. So here goes :)

I'm moving to Kansas City. Yup, me who has never left Tucson, has never wanted to leave Tucson... Well, and it's not just me, we're moving. Jason and Tatum and I. It's been a weird rollercoaster of emotions. We haven't even left yet, and I think I've run the gamut. I've cried (a lot), I've been excited, I've been nervous, I've been worried, and then I cried some more. I'm ready, for the most part. I'm ready to start a new adventure and try something I've never done. I'm ready to start over in a new place and do better things and be a better me. Of course there are things I'll be leaving behind, like my family and my friends and everything I know, so that's scary. It's hard to meet new people and make new friends when you're an adult! But we want to get a house with some land. We want to be in a place where we can be more financially stable and have room for growth and expansion in careers.I want to go back to school, and if we're paying less on a house payment and less in bills and making more money, it's feasible. I'm going to have goats! Cute nigerian dwarf goats! I'm going to breed them and make goat cheese and milk. I might open a stand at a farmers market with my friend Carmen who moved there recently. I'll get to see family I haven't seen in years that live in the areas surrounding, and I'll meet new people somehow :) Jason already has done some interviews, he's pretty sure he's landed his job. He's got a couple more this week, maybe. We won't go until he has work, obviously, but it's definitely coming down the pipeline faster than I expected.

But, that also leaves me torn. I'm mid-season for derby, which shouldn't mean that much but it does to me. I'm finally on our All-Star team again, and I'd joined this season in hopes of getting to play one last tournament and "prove myself" before I retired. Who I was trying to prove myself to, I'm not sure. Me, maybe? I knew I was going to be done with derby after this season, because my body just can't take any more. I'm tired, I'm hurting... it's time for me to be finished but I wanted to give it one last season and go out with a bang. However, this season has been a whirlwind already. We've won games, we've lost games, we've gained skaters and lost them.... I seperated my shoulder, but played in an All-Star game a week later (stupid, I know). We won, and even though I didn't score many (any?) points and didn't do as much for the team as I would have liked, I was there.I got to skate with the team and wear the jersey and feel like I belonged.  Playing in the game made the shoulder worse (obviously) which put me on the bench during a home team game for the first time. It broke my heart, honestly, and it was a game that we ended up losing. That made me feel like crap, because I kept thinking "If I was out there, I could have helped. I could have done this or that or fixed it".

The shoulder got (mostly) better, I went back to skating, and the first scrimmage back someone landed on the back of my knee. It hurt, it swelled, but it felt better in a week so of course I skated again. I took one fall on it, and it was horrible pain and hard to move and swelled again. Did I stop skating? Of course not, because I'm a hard headed idiot. So now it hurts. It's a constant pain, constantly swollen, hard to bend, won't straighten all the way. I've just given up on it feeling better, honestly, which is a stupid decision health wise. But I hate telling people I can't do something. I hate that I have to go to the All-Star captain and tell her "I can't do this". I hate that we have a HUGE home team game coming up this weekend, which I'll skate in, but I'm not even excited about it because I know it's a hard hitting team and my team will be playing short. I hate knowing that my team is relying on me to do something, and I hate that there's a chance I won't be able to rise to the occasion. I hate feeling like I'm making all these excuses to NOT do something, even though they aren't really excuses and they are legitimate reasons. I want to put my all into it while I still can and while I'm still in town, but my body is telling me "Fuck you, if you didn't stop after the shoulder I'll give you something else to quit for". I'll most likely miss the tournament and our next All-Star game, either because of the pain or the moving, and it's killing me. I'm having to quit doing the one thing I finally got right, the one thing I knew I was good at. And it really hurts. More than the shoulder, more than the knee. It hurts my heart.

I've started mentally checking out of Tucson. Knowing me and how I react to things, I feel like I'm pushing things away to make it easier when I leave. It's probably not a good thing, but I can feel it happening. I'm pulling away from derby and my friends (which sucks), it's hard for me to go to practice knowing that I can't be at 100% and that I won't be helping the team once I've gone.  I'm pulling away from my job. I'm starting to think about what things I want to take with me and what things I can leave behind or sell or donate. I'm kind of an emotional wreck, but it's not all bad.

It's hard to think about letting everything go, but I take comfort in knowing that I'm opening a new door. I want to shut the doors behind me, but I don't want to shut things out. It's a fine line, for me, because it turns out I'm really good at shutting people and things out and not looking back and putting on a face like it didn't matter. But everything I'm leaving behind is a part of me. Everything I've done and everyone I know all have a tiny piece of my heart. All those pieces make me who I am, and I'll carry it with me no matter where I go.

The going is the hard part

Aug. 30th, 2012

Main Street

Time for my semi-annual update!

Hello my lovely LJers! I'm so glad you're all still around LJ. It's so much more personal than Facebook (most of the time). And there's no timeline :)

I'm still alive, yay! If you haven't added me on FB by now, you're welcome to. Since I'm not on LJ as much as I'd like, it'd be nice to hear from some of my old peeps, but I'm always around here even if I don't post. Here's some random updates from the past 6 months!

I FINALLY found a new job that isn't cutting hair, and isn't working with kids. While I loved working with my special needs kids, it was a heartbreak almost every day. You'd have a great day of working with the kids, teaching them that while there were many underlying issues it wasn't who they WERE, teaching them the values of communication and patience, making them understand that throwing a tantrum wouldn't get them what they wanted (or out of what they didn't want).... and the next morning you'd have to start over! The parents were harder to deal with than the kids, and at the end of the day I just felt like I wasn't helping anything, and nothing that I could do would make a difference. I know that it DID make a difference, and when I was with them we had a connection and we worked well together, but it just sucked that it was a never ending battle with their parents being enablers. It felt like we (the teachers and aides) were working harder and trying more than the parents were willing to, and then the parents felt as though we weren't doing enough because the kids went back to their ways when they got home.

So now I'm working with adults. My adults are a similar challenge to the kids, in the sense that once I leave, they tend to fall back into old habits. But I feel like I can seperate myself more because they are making the choices. It isn't their parents choosing for them. The adults I work with are all adults with a severe mental illness, and the majority of them also have issues with substance abuse. I have clients that have bi-polar or borderline personality disorder and swallow things as a coping skill, but they also are addicted to opiates. I have clients that have schizo-affective disorder and have horrible auditory and visual hallucinations, but self medicate with crack or Spice. It's intense, and every day is different. Right now I'm a case aide, which means I do a lot of welfare checks, transportation to and from doctor's appointments, skill building sessions (whether they need help with social activities, cooking/cleaning their homes, coping skills, etc), and boarding home assessments (to make sure all our clients are in safe places with food, water, plumbing, etc). I just took an amazing training called ASIST (Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training) where I became trained in "suicide first aid" and am now considered a "suicide first responder". The class was really intense, but I learned a TON. It taught us that you won't always be able to change someone's mind about their suicidal ideations, but you always have the capability to try, and to attempt to contract for safety until you can find them a safe place. So, I love my job. I really do. It's the first time in a long time I've been really happy with my work. I've always got something to do, somewhere to go, someone to see... Even when I'm doing paperwork and documentation and notes. I really like my co-workers. I like my bosses. It's just a good place to be and it feels good.

My job has led me back to my desire to finish my education. I don't know yet how I'll get there, how I'll pay for it, or when I'll start, but this IS what I want to do with my life. I want to help people, even if it's only giving them someone to talk to. I feel (at least in my case), that even if things don't change, talking about your problems and releasing them and just having someone listen without judgement makes all the difference in the world. So, sooner rather than later I hope, I'll be going back to school for Psychology. I've got enough work experience that I'll technically qualify to apply for a case manager position in another 2 months or so, but even with the work experience I'd rather have the educational background.

Jay and I are doing well, better than we've been in a very long time. We're talking a lot more, and even more than that we're communicating with eachother. Finally. It took us almost 12 years, but we've gotten there and that's all that matters. Our 12 year anniversary is in October, and while I'm sure we won't do anything off the wall to celebrate, the celebration is in knowing that we've made it this far where most people didn't think we would. It's also in the knowing that we'll keep working, keep growing, and hopefully celebrate many many more years together.

The kiddo will be 12 this year. Scary! She's almost as tall as me, scarier still. Scariest of all, she started middle school. OMG I have a preteen. A tween? Who knows. She's a diva, she's a pain in the butt, she talks back, she doesn't listen, she's sassy as all get-out. But GOD I love my kid. She is creative, smart (although her grades don't show it), imaginative... She's a good kid :)

I'm STILL playing derby, going on 8+ years now. I'm still missing that darned PCL in my left knee (you'd think they'd do something about that, apparently I don't need it). I'm still captain of VICE, I started a "B" team called the Bandoleras (for girls who didn't have the ability, time, or money to play in A level games), and tried out for the "A" team, the SaddleTramps, last week. I made the team *yay*, so I'll get the ability to travel with the girls and compete at a national level. I'd played on the team once before, years ago, but I wasn't ready. But now... watch out! Of course, I'm no Urrk'n Jerk'n or Suzy HotRod (look them up! Urrk'n is my hero), but it's great to be able to play against girls of that caliber to learn from.

So now I've rambled, taken up a bunch of space on your f-list page (I don't remember how to cut, I'm sorry!), and I'll get off my "HEY FOLKS IM HERE" soapbox. I hope you're all doing well, and like I said... even if I don't post or comment on any kind of regular basis, I'm always here, secretly stalking you all and reading your posts!

Feb. 12th, 2012

Magical Castle

Boo:(

Well, no squee-ing on my end means I didn't get the job I was looking for, so I am back on the hunt. On the good side, my mom found a job, my brother was promoted to executive chef at the Pinetop Country Club, and Jason will be graduating with his MBA in 2 days!! I'm so proud of my family, and I just hope that their luck starts rubbing off on me soon :)

Jan. 26th, 2012

Magical Castle

I'm still alive, I swear

I always have such good intentions when I think about my poor cast aside LJ. Oh, this time I swear I'll post something... I should put that on LJ.... I wonder if anyone still uses LJ? Well, here I am.  7 months after my last post, after all my promises to post more often. I'm in a similar place, at least job wise. I'm working at an elementary school, again. I'm being driven crazy by my student and his nutjob mother, again. I swear, this woman is the perfect candidate for Munchausen by proxy syndrome. Granted, my student DOES have actual problems, but she makes them so much worse for him so that he can't even be successful, and of course she gets all the attention. Gah. So, I'm on the hunt once again. I had an interview earlier this week for a local newspaper, and I SHOULD be hearing in the next day (I hope) as to whether or not I will be offered the position. Then it's just a matter of resigning without feeling like a huge asshole for "giving up" on this kid.

I'm still playing derby, shock. It's my only real outlet these days... it's my me time, it's the only place I really have friends. All the drama from last year is gone, thank goodness, and my team stuck it out with me and backed me up. It's been totally worth it. My girls have worked really hard this season, and last weekend in a crazy nail biter game, we beat last season's AZ State Champs by 9 points in the last two jams. It was ridiculous. So we're 3-0 for the season, with two games in February and one in March, and then the playoffs.

I want to write a book. I have a ton of ideas (most of which are silly and stupid, but that's what ideas are for), and I figure if Snooki and that weirdo who wrote Twilight can be published, why can't I? So, we'll see how it goes. I may write a single page and get bored, I may finish something awesome. But I'll never know until I try, right? I also decided that I want to put together a burlesque routine that incorporates poi spinning. I've seen a lot of burlesque fire dancers and burlesque hoop dancers, and I've seen a lot of poi spinners that wear very little and try to be sexy... but I've looked all over youtube and can't find any full burlesque acts with poi. Once again, it may just be something that I keep to myself and have as one of those weird talents that no one knows about until you're drunk, but I'd still like to do it.

Is it May yet? After the championship this year (win or lose), my teammates and I are going to Las Vegas for the Viva la VICE Squad in Las Vegas Vacation. No skating, no games, no stinky gear. Just a bunch of girls who honestly like eachother off the track going for a fun 3 days to bond and spend time together and get silly. I'm so excited.

Alright, ramble ramble ramble... I make no promises that I'll update again any time soon, but I'm around. And I'll be sure to post if I get my job so I can squeeeeee in more than one place.

Jul. 13th, 2011

Magical Castle

New beginnings

Well, I just sent my letter of resignation to the elementary school. I really enjoyed my job, loved my boss, loved my co-workers and loved the kids. However, it was starting to get rough. Our program was getting very little support from the district and things started happening that we had no control over. I didn't have any room for growth, no raises, no promotions, there was nowhere to go. I was literally getting 8 bucks an hour to get bitten, have tables thrown at me.... I've got a huge scar on my left arm from a bite that looks like I was attacked by a zombie. I've gotta see a doc for another 6 months for blood tests and hepatitis shots and on and on and on. Granted, I don't have a Bachelors degree, I don't have a lot of job training, but I still think there's more out there for me.

On that note, I got a new job working as a courtroom clerk. It's not tons of money, but quite a bit more than I was making at the school. I'm pretty excited, and I start the 25th. It's gonna be a whole new experience for me. Hairdressing to special needs kids to courtrooms and trials. Well, at least when I'm old I wont be able to say I didn't try things!

On the derby front, my team is being super supportive and knows what the issues are that I'm having. They don't want me to leave any more than I want to leave myself, but they also understand the predicament I'm in and are trying to help me work through stuff. I love these girls, and I'm so glad to have them all in my life.

My vacation was AWESOME!! Jay and I had such a good time and it was so nice to have a vacation with just the two of us. He and I need to do it more often, not wait another 10 years to spend time together. I also realized that I really need to get serious about doing things for myself and keeping myself in shape. I started a new workout program this week, and I'm gonna stick with it. I've got a goal weight in mind (not anything crazy dramatic), and I hope I can get to it. Jay gave me some more incentive, too, by telling me that even though I don't NEED to lose weight, if I wanted to and reached a goal that I set for myself, I could finally get my boobs. Woohoo!! Speaking of, I should get to it for today :-)  I need to do a workout/weightloss journal to keep me going.

Hope you're all having a good week

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

Tags:

Jun. 28th, 2011

Magical Castle

2 more days!

Is it Thursday yet? I am so ready for this vacation I cant even express. Jay and I really need this, and I think we are going to have a good time. The last time Jay went to Vegas, it was when we got married. I was there with my mom and aunts in September of last year, so I get to show Jay around and act like I know what I am talking about. The good thing is we have stuff going on today and tomorrow to kill time, so hopefully time wont drag. Lowes and house stuff today, practice tonight, Transformers tomorrow morning, WWE Smackdown live tomorrow night (we surprised Tatum with tickets) and then I just kill time on Thursday doing laundry and packing. Woohoo!!! I need to color my hair sometime today or tomorrow.

Had a nice dinner with Tracie last night, it was nice to see her and we hopefully have plans to get together next week for movies and chillin'. I gotta get my house together before then, it's a mess. Damn summer break and being lazy. It's weird for us all to be home together for so many days in a row, but I wouldn't want it any other way.

Jun. 13th, 2011

Magical Castle

Deja vu

I've posted what, 2-3 times in the past year? Jeez. I really need to start journaling again. Especially with the way my life is going!

Derby - was a good season, lots of new stuff and learning and tears. But, it looks like I may end up quitting, again. If I do, it will be for good. It really sucks and has nothing to do with the league at all, but there is a person who hurt me more than can ever be repaired, and I just can't be around her. Sucks to let one person take me away from something I love, but betrayal cuts to the core.

Friends - what friends? I've got acquaintances, girls I play derby with and talk to occasionally, and people who I need to spend more time with, but I'm pretty much a hermit lately. And my closest friend lately broke my heart and threw it in a blender. I think maybe I SHOULD quit derby, just to separate myself from everything and find some new people for my life.

Life - I'm just sad. I don't know what to do about it. I'm trying to get a new job, because the job at the school just became too much drama and physical pain for the amount of money I was getting paid. I've got an application in with the court system and I passed all my tests, I'm just waiting for an interview. So, we'll see.

Jay and I hit a MAJOR bump and almost didn't make it, it started out as my fault and then rolled downhill fast to where we had the divorce paperwork ready to go. Then he got into a pretty major motorcycle accident (on my birthday, of all days) and he came home so I could help him out. He broke his wrist in 6 places (scaphoid, ulna, and shattered his radius into 4 pieces). We worked through some stuff and we're gonna stick it out. I'm happy with the outcome, but not with the way it happened lol

I started seeing a therapist when things were bad, and I haven't been back since the accident because I've been taking care of things at home, but I think I need to go back. I'm still just sad. Sad about a lot. I never used to be this pessimistic and downtrodden, so it's weird and I'm not diggin' it.

Jay and I are also gonna try to sell our house. With my school job, the work was super rewarding but the money makes it impossible to keep up on bills and mortgage and all. So, we're gonna try to move into something smaller. If I get the new job, life will be easier, but we still think we're gonna do it. Something simpler.

We're also going on our first alone vacation since we've been married. We have never gone on a vacation together without it being derby, with friends, with family, or with the kiddo. So, we went through a bunch of our stuff, sold a ton, and he and I are going to Las Vegas at the end of the month. I'm pretty excited.

I think that's it. You're officially all caught up, if you still read this. Life is, well, it's life. It's up and it's down and it's in and out. But I'm still here. Sorry for taking up so much space on your friends page today :)

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Tags:

Jan. 4th, 2011

Magical Castle

Damn cold!!

So everyone bitched about it being 72 degrees on Christmas day and how it didn't feel like Christmas, blah blah blah. Well, jerks, it's COLD NOW!!! Are you happy?

Is it can be'z spring timez now plz?

Previous 10